How Anxiety manifests in my life and how I’ve learned to manage it.
Tips to help ground yourself when you feel like your mind is hightailing you to doomsville.
Ohhh anxiety… an emotion I have come to know far too well in my life. As a little kid, I certainly had some anxiety. I had a real fear of the night (I was the one sleeping on the floor of my parents room until I was older than I care to admit), I hated when my dad traveled, and I also had my share of health related worries as a kid. But as a grown up, wife, and mother of 3, my anxiety reached a WHOLE ‘nother level…
We all have our different vices and anxiety can play out in many different ways. For me, it is pretty much all health related. When it comes to health, my family has been through some pretty considerable traumas. Thankfully, everyone is in good health now, but the aftermath of living through a medical crisis took a toll on me emotionally, that I am only now beginning to understand and work through.
If you want to cut to the strategies I use to keep myself sane, scroll down to the 10 item list below. If you’d like to read about how anxiety has affected me personally keep reading 🙂
As you may know if you have read my intro post, or know me personally, just about 7 years ago my husband suffered a major medical trauma. After a year of him mysteriously not feeling well, his doctors finally figured out that he had a brain tumor. It was during the biopsy (of what we thankfully found out was a benign tumor), that an aneurysm, which we didn’t even know existed, burst. The doctors believed the sudden bleed during the procedure was a mistake on their end – they had no idea until days later when it ruptured again – that they were dealing with a brain aneurysm and two massive brain bleeds. They immediately wheeled my husband into an emergency craniotomy, but at that point his brain had endured two massive bleeds and although the surgery was a success, he then went into cranial vasospasms which were in fact, far more dangerous than the brain surgeries themselves.
For two weeks his survival hinged on how well the nurses/doctors could manage treating the various parts of his brain that were on the verge of shutting down. In simple terms, vasospasms are a reaction of the blood vessels when there is a bleed. In other parts of your body, for instance if you accidentally cut your finger off, your blood vessels would spasm to the point of shutting down so that you wouldn’t bleed out. In all other areas of the body, this is a protective factor, but in the brain it can be deadly. Your brain needs oxygen and blood, and without the proper flow, it is at risk for stroke and death. Because my husband was so young at the time (he had just turned 30), his blood vessels were at even greater risk for significant spasm.
In order to treat him and allow his body to try to conserve energy to fight the spasms, the doctors induced a coma for about 12 days. I will never forget the moment I saw him on a ventilator. I can still hear the whoosh of the machine and can still smell the sterile-ness of his room. He had pretty much EVERY machine available in a nuero ICU in his room. As the doctors would tell us, they had seen all his issues before, just never at the same time in one person.
It’s funny how our mind protects us. Although, the sight of him on so many machines literally took my breath away at first, I somehow became accustomed to the situation that was going on. The whoosh of the ventilator, the constant beeping from his monitors and the constant tests/procedures that they had to do to keep him alive became my new normal. I would leave my kids with my mom around 7:30am, head to the hospital to sit with Greg for the day, and then be home to have dinner with my parents and my boys. My dad would make us dinner every night and my mom moved in with us for two months. Every night before bed, I would call his nurse to check in and I’d be sure to have my phone on the loudest setting just in case a nurse/doctor had to reach me in the middle of the night. Many nights I fell asleep holding my mom’s hand… I guess you’re really never too old to need your mom.
As difficult as this time was, I somehow managed to stay grounded, optimistic and even upbeat. Looking back, I sometimes wonder how I did it. I do believe I was in a bit of shock and was running on adrenaline, but I also know that I somehow was able to manage my anxiety in ways that I never thought I could.
I knew I had a choice. I could go down into the dark throws of worry or I could I put all my faith in the universe and in the doctors, and believe with EVERY part of me that he would be OK. I relied on my family, my friends, my babies (who were 2 and 7 months at the time), my faith in angels and in the good of the universe. I decided that I would cross the bridge of losing him if I had to, but I was NOT going to waste my time/energy living in the thought of that.
This was a conscious choice I made one day as I was driving into the hospital to be with him. I will never forget the moment I decided this. I was sitting at a red light when a wave of panic started to take over. I don’t know how I did it, but I managed to stop my panic in it’s tracks. I took a deep breath and said to myself, “You have a choice here. You can believe that he is going to be OK… or you can believe that you’re going to lose him… and WHAT in the HELL will it do for you, or for your boys, or for Greg, to believe that he’s not going to be OK?”
I made the choice that unless I was told something different, I was going to CHOOSE to believe that he would be OK. I was going to LIVE in THAT reality. I was NOT going to live in a reality that wasn’t going to help me, him, or my boys.
I knew that living in the future of a made up reality of what could happen was just not going to help me. So I threw myself into living in a reality that this whole ordeal was just going to be a bump in our road, and that one day we would look back on it all and think ‘holy crap did that really happen?’
I chose to believe WHOLE HEARTEDLY that he would be OK and from that moment on, I didn’t stray from that belief. I don’t know how I did it, but I swear that is how I handled those crazy months without going insane or drowning in a puddle of tears and worry.
The thing is that our mind can play nasty tricks on us if we let it. So often, we live in a projected reality of the bad things that COULD happen, and we waste so much time and energy on this thought… and a lot of times, our worst fears DON’T EVER EVEN HAPPEN.
But we spend so much time worrying about the mere thought of what *could* happen, that it robs us of the joy and happiness we could be experiencing instead.
It is a viscous cycle and one I know all too well. Although I handled my husband’s trauma like a champ, my anxiety from living through it all played out in completely different ways YEARS later.
Once my husband was ‘out of the woods’ my anxiety started to rear it’s ugly head in ways that strangely had little to do with him. It was all centered around our kids. Every time one of my kids even sneezed, my brain would kick into worse case-scenario-panic. I became completely irrationally fearful when my kids got sick. COMPLETELY IRRATIONAL. I mean watching them breathe while they slept ALL. NIGHT. LONG. irrational.
I will never forget a few years ago when our middle son got hit with the flu/croup combo. He was super sick… but never once was he dangerously ill. My husband looked at my panicked face one night, and trying to lighten the mood said, “SO should I be offended that you’re more concerned about Gavin having the flu than you were when I was on the verge of dying?”
Greg has always been good at making me laugh, and while I was able to giggle a little at his observation, it was in that moment that I realized just how much this medical PTSD was impacting me. I looked at him and reminded him that this was “all his fault” of course. 😉
Kids get sick. Especially little kids. And at the time we had a 6 year old, 4 year old and 2 year old… so more often than not during the winter months, someones was inevitably ‘under the weather.’ This made for MANY sleepless nights on my end, a STRONG dislike for winter, and an OCD like tendency to wash my hands until they were cracked and bleeding. Most of my nights were filled with anxious thoughts about something horrible that might/ maybe/ possibly/ could happen to one of my kids. I was living in a projected ‘reality’ of the other shoe dropping.
Yes it made sense. From a psychological perspective, we had all had the rug ripped out from under us, why wouldn’t I be afraid of that happening again? The problem was that I was LIVING in that fear. And despite my psychology background I was unable to move forward from it. I was an anxious mess… and it sucked.
I knew I had to get control somehow, and thankfully, I have learned a few things along the way about managing anxiety. It’s still a work in progress but I am getting there.
But before I get there… mama’s this is for you… having kids … oh man… the love you feel for your kiddos is like nothing else…. and the idea of anything bad happening EVER to them can LITERALLY make you sick. My heart goes out to all you mamas who have littles with chronic health issues … you all are amazing… super hero moms… and I truly believe you are the strongest people in this entire universe.
SO how did I learn to finally let myself sleep when my kids are sick with a cold instead of standing over their beds counting their respiratory rate? #beentheredonethat
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Below are my top 10 tips on managing anxiety.
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1. I am a huge believer in the mind-body connection. We have to nourish our body to nourish our minds. Making sure you are feeding yourself wholesome foods and keeping yourself hydrated are often over-looked ways, to better manage anxiety, but they are SO important. When we are dehydrated, or our blood-sugar levels are off, our brain is not able to function at it’s best and therefore cannot process our emotions effectively. We all know how a toddler can react when s/he is hungry right? As adults we also need to stabilize our blood sugar levels to stabilize our mindset. If you’re going through a difficult time, do yourself a favor and avoid the processed crap and try to feed yourself real food. It can go a long way.
2. BREATHE. Literally breathe. There is a breathing technique called the 4-7-8 breathing method. All you need to do is breathe in for 4 seconds, hold the breath for 7 seconds, and exhale for 8 seconds. This technique is incredible for calming your nervous system and settling your mind. Do this for a minute. Just concentrate on your breath. Breathe in big, belly filling breaths, and breathe out long, loud exhales. Sometimes you just have to keep breathing.
3. When you are overcome with anxiety, ask yourself the all powerful question that Jen Sincero wrote in her book, You are a Badass… “Do I have something to worry about IN THIS MOMENT?” if the answer is “No” then believe that and go on with your day or your night… after all, as Jen also so wonderfully says, “You have nothing to gain by freaking out.”
4. Take time every day for you. Develop a meditation practice and/or an exercise routine. Do something each day that feeds your soul and nourishes your body. These practices prime your mind to handle stress when it rears it’s ugly head, much better than if you aren’t taking time to take care of yourself. It’s a cumulative effect… but it’s a powerful one.
5. TALK about it. Whether you’re talking to yourself or someone you love and trust. Talking about your fears takes some of the power away from them. When they sit and brew within us they can take on a life of their own and become monsters. Don’t give your fears that much power. Talk about them, WRITE about them, do something to get them out of your head … that in and of itself dismantles them.
6. Challenge your thoughts. I love me some good CBT strategies… and I think they can be incredibly helpful. When you have an anxious thought, write it down and then ask yourself these questions: Is it true? Can I 100% know that it is true? If the answer is NO, ask yourself, what is another way I can think of this situation? What is a more logical response to what is happening right now? Once you have a more logical thought on what could be happening in your life, repeat it over to yourself whenever you feel the anxiety creeping in. For me it usually revolves around “Kids get fevers. It’s a normal part of fighting a little virus. Nothing catastrophic is happening here.”
7. Remember that anxiety is just a feeling. It can be a horrible, awful, scary feeling… but in the end it is just an emotion. Don’t run from it, feel it through and remember that this feeling will pass. Another amazing, Jen Sincero quote: “If you run from your fears, they will follow you. If you run straight at your fears, they will get the hell out of your way. Fears hate it when you do that.”
8. Remind yourself that you are strong, resilient and capable. AND you can handle challenges… even if they 1000% suck. Find a positive and calming phrase that resonates with you and turn it into your own personal mantra. Write it down and keep it without throughout your days. Read it often. Even if you don’t believe it at first, keep repeating it to yourself, especially in moments when you are feeling anxious. The mind is funny, the more we repeat something to ourselves, the more we believe it. Our thoughts become our beliefs, which become our reality. So train your brain to be positive, and remind yourself that you can handle difficult things. Develop some positive affirmations that you can repeat daily – even when you aren’t in the throws of anxiety. PRACTICE them and BELIEVE them.
9. Supplements. I am also a huge believer in natural anxiety remedies. Some of my favorites are Ashwagandha, 5 HTP, Anxie-T, L-Theanine, Holy Basil and Calm. I am also a huge fan of medicinal mushrooms for overall wellness- Reishi are particularly useful for mood and anxiety, and CBD. My favorite CBD brand is Charlotte’s Web. The Sleep gummies are literally life changing and the Calm gummies are pretty amazing too. As always, check with your doctor if you’re on any prescription meds, but typically, these remedies are incredibly safe and effective.
10. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. We all need a little help along the way and there is NO shame in that. In fact, in my opinion asking for help when you need it is a sign of incredible strength. Therapy and medication can be incredibly beneficial and can help you get through the thick of a situation if needed. I have done both, and both have been hugely helpful for me at different stages of my life. We all deserve to feel good, and sometimes we need a little more of a nudge to ease our emotions… and that is A-OK in my book.
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Fear of something bad happening to us, even if in the moment we are perfectly safe, is something that makes us human. We all deal with some degree of anxiety at some point or another in our lives. To some extent it can keep us from doing things that could endanger us… but more often than that, it holds us back from living in peace and calm, or from going after the things we really want in our lives.
Yes, anxiety is part of life, but it doesn’t have to overtake us.
If you’re dealing with anxiety try some of these strategies/tips, and know that you are not alone. Get curious about the way your mind is interpreting the events in your life and see if there is any room in there to take a deep breath, look at the facts, stop the panic, and re-write the story line?
Try to take some of the power back from your thoughts. It takes some practice, but you can rewire your brain to freak out less in the face of adversary. I promise you. If I can do it, you can too.
These strategies have really helped me over the years… I hope they help you too. XOXO
